Smoke
by Bipolar-Writer
Summary: The mix of two narcotics was not one I fancied, yet somehow it drew me oh so close, I felt myself levitating no matter how disgusting, how fuzzy and wobbly it made me feel. Perhaps the presence of that man was much worse for my health. One-Shot


_**A/N**_: This story is dedicated to the amazing pairing that is Natsume and Mitsuyoshi. I only got the will to finish this anime mainly because of the sweet moments they share. Yes, this is based from the happenings of the anime. I didn't read the manga so forewarning on that.

This is the first story I write for this anime as well as the first I write in second character in a very, _very_ long time. I might be writing more for this pairing. I love them so much so expect a longer story next time when I gain greater inspiration.

I hope you all enjoy~

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.:.:.:.:SMOKE.:.:.:.:.:

.

A smell. A taste even. The mix of two narcotics was not one I fancied, yet somehow it drew me oh so close, I felt myself levitating no matter how disgusting, how fuzzy and wobbly it made me feel. Perhaps the presence of that man was much worse for my health. Yes, a mere presence. A mere crossing thought and I felt myself weak at the knees, floating at cloud nine. Why was it? I am not sure? I really wish I could understand this strange feeling, this - _love_? Sasayan-kun said that, yet I could not believe; yet the word comes up every time, along with the image, along with the man.

_Why?_

I don't know.

But I really wish I did. What was it? As I sit at his side, as I hug my feet and mask the flush that has colored my visage, the expression of a timid girl besides a man she had no idea what to think of. _Love_, one had said. But love, was it? I really don't know. I keep saying that but as I take a glimpse of the oh so pacific frame of him, as he exhales the smoke of his cigaret and I feel it hit my face in the instance, I don't cough, instead I return my head to its hiding place and pray for the flush to just go away.

But it doesn't. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say as my thoughts fret at his side. Bronze hues find their way to meet those of enigmatic, those hidden behind a thin glass of onyx. Wonder. I truly wonder all the time, why I fell in _love_ with a man I don't even know what eye color he has. Why, when I merely know his name, his living, yet I don't know such seemingly insignificant details. Perhaps one or two, but it's not enough. I feel as though it's not enough. Why is it? That each time my eyes wander, each time I feel myself just stare at him as he is spaced in whatever crossing thought he is having, I feel fluster, I feel at ease? Yet the glassed eyes turn my way, and so the fret returns, and so I can't look him in the eyes and speak a single word.

I keep wondering, and perhaps it will never stop. The color of his eyes, just...what is it?

A glint, a meeting and I look away. What does it matter? Why do I even look his way? Frustrating, oh so frustrating. It's stupid how I even ended up here, ended up alone, at his side, just sitting in silence, staring at the wall with all these crazed thoughts, this immense fluster, and not even stammer a single word, not even have him look my way.

_Why? Just why?_

I really wish to know.

Why is it that I'm drawn to this man? Why couldn't it be someone else? Someone that would...share my feelings. That boy, the one I told off, maybe...oh if maybe I hadn't been so naive, if only I wasn't immature, maybe I would have made the right decision, maybe I wouldn't be in this stupid agony that is swallowing me whole.

As I sit at his side, as I feel myself sink deeper into the sofa, I just wish...

...I wasn't a nuisance to spend the afternoon with.

All because of a stupid mistake. All because of a misunderstanding.

The passing storm won't be out for a while. Haru, nor Mitty, nor Sasayan, nor anyone is coming.

They never were.

Why? Why did I misunderstand?

Why was I so stupid to not know?

Why is it?  
That I  
am just so...

...useless?

A tremble, it runs up my spine, shook my body whole.  
What is it? I...don't know what's going on. I claw at my bare hand, I bite my lip, I force myself to understand but...  
there is no way I can.

I sob. It escapes my lip without forewarning, without my consent even, it just does and it was then I feel it, I come to comprehend.  
I come to view the downpour of tears at my knees.

All falling at once.  
Perplexed I was.  
As slim fingers reach to my eyes as to inspect if eyes were not deceiving.  
But they weren't.  
And neither was I.  
This was a breakdown that could no longer be repressed.

It's out of hand. Now I really don't know what to do. The tears fall, the sobs escape, my whole body trembles,  
There is nothing, no one that can sooth the deep despair,  
of a lonesome girl.  
Unloved.  
Unrequited.  
Rejected.

If only-

Oh if only.

But there is no _if _only.

There is just me,  
And him.  
Sitting by my side.  
Sharing the silence.  
As muted sobs leave my breath;  
As unnoticed tears cascade down my face.  
Am I helpless?  
Or does the sudden palm and my back mean something?

Is the sudden embrace a light of hope?  
Is the breath of that man at my ear, whispering my name, gasping it out in sudden distress,  
a sign?

"Natsume!"

The single intonation wakes me from desperation, and my eyes return to sanity, but it's not enough and tears keep streaming, I have yet to understand, to recoil myself, to come in control. He hugs me, the cigarette is long lost into oblivion, and all there's left is him, the tight arms around my smaller frame, the comforting words at my ears.

"Ne, what's wrong? Natsume?"

Such a sweet voice. Such a sweet embrace. My face is full crimson and I don't know what to say.

"Sorry," I manage croak out. "I'm...sorry."

But I can't keep going, I really can't. My heart aches really terribly. I just...I really want to state my feelings, I want to tell him. I want to just express these suppressed emotions and get them off my chest.

But I can't. It won't be enough. At his eyes I am nothing but a girl. Simple-minded, young, a child even.

I am...

_No one._

So I apologize. Maybe it's best, because it's not my fault!

It's not my fault I...

I fell in love with him.

Even as he embraces me, even if he whispers, words of comfort.

He will never be mine. He will never sleep at my side.  
Will never usher me at nights of distress;  
Be at my side just like this.  
Kiss me at night and when dawn strikes again.  
Never.  
He'll never be at my side as I wish him to be  
Forever;  
Until we grow old;

Never will that be.

Not even the smell of his breath, even if smoke-filled, can sooth me now. Sad is the night; the day was a mess. I really wish I could go back, tell myself this would all turn wrong. That this could never happen, that it could all be fixed. So I wouldn't have to suffer. So he wouldn't have to share this aching moment with me. So I wouldn't be this hurt. So it wouldn't become worse as I smelled his scent long after he was to leave me.

The night would go one. The storm wasn't one that would cease easily, yet nothing could be done for a distressed heart as mine was.

_ Weak._

"It's...okay."

Is it? Is it really? He says that but I don't believe him. I can't. A false alibi to sooth a broken heart wouldn't work as easily as he believed it would. Made the matter worse moreover.

"Natsume?" I don't speak up and he seems bothered by it. I feel him pull away from me to stare me at the face, but I won't allow, my face is too embarrassing to look at. If I don't mask my expression I'll regret it later on. I won't live up this day. I won't forgive myself, no, never again.

But it seems it can't be helped, and he lifts my face to his, with a single swift, and instead of self loathing thoughts only a single comes to mind; a wonder.

_What color are his eyes?_

As tears are brushed from my eyes, as I feel the warm digits of the man I have grown so fond of brush each away I feel my hands slowly move, _slowly_.

_Slowly._

Soon they reach the side of his face, the tip of the sun glasses.

"It's dark," I say before I rid of them. How nonchalant my voice seemed it were not for the slight quiver, but off they are and finally I see.

Onyx. Enigmatic. Beautiful.

Bronze widens in delight as a feeling rejoices within me. What is this? What truly is this?

A strengthening of emotions? I can't decipher, but if it were by the eyes of another surely they'd say I've fallen in deeper. For this man has captivated me at first with a single look from within the glass.

And to look at the truth that were his eyes only intrigued me more.

I don't know.

_I truly don't._

What he thinks, I am unsure, but the tears are dry and his fingers remain at my face. Thumbs at the bottom of my eyes, lips parted. The breath of a smoker is sensed but I don't mind, moreover I stare. I taste and I see. I just watch in a moment, in a pause, the eyes of this man.

"Beautiful," I say without a single thought but that. My heart beats fast but I don't feel a nerve, nor distress, instead I feel warm digits hold me if ever so tenderly, I see his face become closer, the eyes that captivated me to a greater limit becoming narrow.

_Narrow_...

Until brims meet, without much thoughts, in a single moment. I felt a stop of the heart, a skip of the beat, and a burst of rejoice. As his hands travel through my tresses, as his lips brush my own, I don't feel the necessity to fret even if my heart aches to a greater extent, I feel my hands come to his side, I feel myself cling onto him, pull him closer, our lips synchronizing in that fleeting moment.

The ecstasy of the moment, the passion, the mix. The taste of cigaret is a taste of delight, a new taste.

A taste I'll never forget.

_ Never._

Not even as he pulls back, watches me for longer than a casual stare, the eyes piercing, fierce as my own, in search, in _need_.

The ardent eyes of that man only become dull as the door creeks open and in comes another.

I feel myself pull back in the blink of an eye, gain a position that would not bring suspicion.

And as he stands, to greet the other, a single link of the eyes was enough to sooth the heart for that night.

_ It was enough for a lonesome girl that was I._

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_._

_A/N: _I just wanted to note out, in case of confusion, at the end it was Haru who entered. Considering he lives there of course he'd return even if there was a storm. Just...roll with it.

Any critics or question feel free to tell me. I'll appreciate reviews as well!

Thanks for reading~ ^_^


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